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Who Should Introduce MJ Into the Hall (Or Will Angels Just Sing Him In?) |
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 Michael Jordan will be inducted into the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame this September. As part of the enshrinement, MJ will be introduced by a current hall of famer.
But who to choose? Jordan’s career spans over 20 years from his freshman year at UNC to his final season with the Wizards. Who could possibly be worthy to introduce the greatest player in NBA history? And more importantly, what would that person say?
To whittle down the list, we chose nine current Hall of Famers and two other worthy candidates (MJ doesn’t need to totally abide by the rules) and thought about what they could possibly say. With that, we present “Hall of Fame Introductions for Michael Jordan.”
 Phil Jackson
“…I think MJ was great in his time. But he worked within the framework of the triangle offense. And really, that’s the key to his success. I’m not saying anyone can win with that offense, but I just won my tenth title with the likes of Sasha Vujacic and D.J. Mbenga. Did you know that’s more titles than Red Auerbach won? I’ll be over at the shrimp buffet signing autographs of my new book. It’s a re-telling of ‘Dharma Bums’ with a basketball twist. Oh, and congratulations, MJ.”
 Charles Barkley
“…I don’t know what I can say about MJ that hasn’t been said. He’s the best basketball player ever. He’s even a pretty good golfer. The only thing I could ever beat him at was eating. One time we each got six-foot party subs. I finished mine in about an hour, but he was begging for mercy after about two feet. You’re the greatest, Michael, but you’d be a lousy fat guy.”
 Clyde Drexler
“…A great historical figure cannot rise to the occasion without a worthy foe. Kennedy needed Nixon, and Sherlock Holmes needed Moriarty. And though I’m sorry Isiah Thomas couldn’t be here today, I’m glad to stand here as one of the many backs MJ had to break on his way to greatness. I can honestly say that the beatdowns he gave me during practices before the 1992 Olympics caused me to cry nocturnally, even to this day. But hey, I picked up two rings during that short time that he was playing baseball, so I can’t complain. Thanks for the rings, Michael. Clutch City!”
 Magic Johnson
“…I don’t know how to accurately describe MJ. When he’d drive the ball down the lane, Michael was like Moses parting the Sea of Tranquility. His jump shot was smoother than John Coltrane on ice skates. I just loved competing against him. Every time we beat Jordan’s Bulls, I felt like General Patton when he defeated the Spanish Armada. MJ’s the one guy you feared the most. In fact, I still fear him. I can honestly say this is the first time I’ve spoken to him in 10 years.”
 Larry Bird
“…I’m not a man of many words, so I’ll just repeat what I said after MJ’s 63 point game in the 1986 playoffs. When I watch him play, sometimes I think it’s God disguised as Michael Jordan. Nowadays, I wish I had a guy with half of his talent on the Pacers, but instead, I’m stuck with Mike Dunleavy. Congratulations, Michael.”
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The Fancier the Suit, the Wetter the Backside |
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First is was Italian Flavia Zaccari, then Americans Ricky Berens and Tyler Clary. Each an Olympic or Olympic-level athlete, each using the high-tech Jaked J01 swimsuit, all creating unintentional butt-vents right before a heat. Three split suits. It's like a plague. A plague where God wants its victims to accidentally become semi-nude and freak out all the Italian grandmas.
In fewer than four weeks, three butts have been exposed to the unassuming masses. And these aren't fat butts, these are Olympian, world-class athletic butts. They're probably among the fittest butts on Earth. (EDITOR'S NOTE: I accidentally pictured Bea Arthur's big burly bones fitting into one of these things. It's like Aykroyd thinking of sweet Mr. Stay Puft - nothing good can come of such a thought). If their bodies are too big to be poured into these $450 hinged polyurethane aqua-girdles, then the suits need redesigning.
 Zaccari, mortified with embarrassment, was forced to sit out the championship race at the Mediterranean Games earlier this month. Three weeks later, Berens, the gold medal-winning relay swimmer preferred a slow time to no time at the World Championships in Rome and swam with the ripped suit, despite feeling like its hole stretched down to his knees. He went on to win his 4x100m relay.
If I pay $450 for a piece of clothing, the only holes in it better be for my arms, legs and head.
Fewer than 48 hours after Berens did what he needed to (getting a bounty of phone numbers from Italian bellas along the way, no doubt), the same rip, in the same spot happened to Cody. Luckily he had enough time (barely) to slip on a backup Jaked suit and earn the third best qualifying time in the preliminaries. But even still, he too, was almost disqualified when the second suit was readily displaying the approval stamp of FINA, the world's governing body.
But these suits aren't only affecting the amount of blushing being done by Olympians, they're also influencing which Olympians are even going to compete. After FINA ruled dozens of these suits as illegal this week (too much tech and not enough suit), confusion almost immediately set in.Which suits are illegal? What makes them illegal? And when will swimmers officially have to stop wearing them? UPDATE: Wonder and you shall receive. January 1.
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The Fate Of Two Aggro Olympians Pass Like Ships In the Night |
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As the saying goes, when one door closes, a window opens. So a long as you're into climbing through open windows, it all evens out.
The closing door, in this case, was slammed earlier this week on 28-year-old, Olympic silver medalist Kim Willoughby, who was sentenced earlier this week to five years probation for assaulting Sara Daniel, someone she did not know, outside a club in Honolulu two-and-a-half years ago.
 The punishment doesn't stop at probation. Oh, no, no. This attack happened in Hawaii, a place in which you'd have to be extremely angry to want to fight. So along with probation, both anger management classes and over $2,000 in medical bills for Ms. Daniel are forthcoming. So what happened? The volleyballer apparently hates when fights she's trying to start are stopped by a third-party.
That third party, in this case, was Sara Daniel, who broke up a fight Willoughby tried to start. Still steaming, Willoughby followed her outside the club and beat her until her nasal bone and eye socket were both broken.
And now you're probably thinking this representative of our great nation got off fairly light, right? Well, maybe. Except that Willoughby is allegedly a steroid user. In May, the Italian Olympic Committee announced Willoughby had tested positive for a steroid, nandrolone. Although Willoughby denies it, she can't disprove it and her Italian team therefore hasn't paid her in months.
So, she's broke. So broke, in fact, that she's in danger of being unable to pay the minimum $50 a month fee for Daniel's medical bills ordered by the court. And if she can't pay, guess what that probation will suddenly turn into?
Ironically, if she wasn't on the 'roids, she'd be less likely to get into fistfights with strangers, which would likely keep her from bashing in strangers' faces, which would halt her need to pay strangers' medical bills, which she would hypothetically be able to pay because she would not have been bounced from her team.
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